Monday, August 28, 2006

Why would you do that?

I was having a coffee with fellow blogger Richard Eichmann today, and he asked why I did what I do, and how I identify myself as a T*person.

At the time I didn't really have an answer, and just mentioned places like The Angels Forum where we debate the pressing issues of T*Society, like what exactly the difference is between a transvestite, a cross dresser, and a gender-bender.

I've never really thought about it too hard, but I thought I would try to put down is words my own personal feelings on why I do what I do, but bear in mind that if you asked 10 trannies why they do it, you'll get 13 answers!

Some people cross-dress simply because they like the feel. I can understand this. Silk and lace have a nice feel to them, and women's cotton pants feel nicer than men’s cotton pants. There are also fetish costumes that mostly come in women’s styles such as satin maids outfits and PVC nurses uniforms.

So yes I dress because I like the feel. But that’s not the only reason. Although playing Twister in a miniskirt with a bunch of girls was a whole new ball game (no pun intended!)

Some people dress because they identify themselves more as female than male. Either they want to be a woman, or they believe a mistake was made by the doctor at birth (there are tales of hermaphrodite babies being made single gender in the delivery room), or maybe they just like girl stuff better.

Personally I identify myself as a healthy mix of genders. I wouldn't want a sex change in my current body, but I like discussing clothes and makeup, listening to Busted, and drinking Bacardi Breezers (official drink of the transgendered!) I also enjoy dancing far more as a girl - must be a self-consciousness thing! But I also like guns, action movies and Grand Theft Auto. So that's not the whole story either.

Some think women’s clothes are more interesting than men’s. Men's fashion is dull. Check any menswear department and you will find shirts and T-shirts, suits, sweaters, jeans, trainers, work shoes, and jackets. And that’s about it. Women have skirts, tops, dresses, Capri pants, culottes, hot pants, suits, lingerie, hundreds of different types of footwear, and more.

I think this one is a big part of it. Its not that only women’s clothes are more interesting, just that modern menswear is dull. I frequently dress in men’s fashions from the 1940 and the 1900s, because there is variety and style.

Some like to completely dress as women, for whatever reason. I think this is the biggest aspect of it for me. I like completely changing my appearance, though for me I try to present as realistically as possible. I don't want to dress completely as a woman; I want to look completely like a woman. I been clubbing a few times dressed up, and although I don't make a stunning woman, under night club conditions I've fooled bouncers, and made a bartender question my friends to prove I really was a guy (that felt amazing!)

Some people like to trick straight guys into dating them. This is one of the few I disagree with. Although I have flirted as a girl, it has only been with girls I fancied, and male friends who knew I was a bloke, and were just having a laugh. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, and if I was, I wouldn’t want to trap one on false pretences!

Some trannies just like to flaunt societies conventions - boys in dresses, boys in the ladies loos, boys having fun playing with dolls, or whatever.

I suppose this is also part of my rebellious nature. I really enjoy buying women’s clothes, partly because I want to wear them, but it’s also because it feels naughty and forbidden (even though it’s not really all that rebellious). I've also had the chance to see ladies loos, and in general they're much cleaner and nicer. Why are many guys in pubs/clubs messy pissers? Must be they can't handle their drink!

So what have we learned about me? I like playing at being someone else, and sometimes being a girl is more fun than being a guy. I also like to dress in an outlandish style, and women’s clothes are more available, and cheaper, than unusual menswear.

But am I a cross dresser, a transvestite, a drag queen (no, because that is a gay man dressing for showbiz), a gender bender, a gender-queer, a trannie, a tranny, a T*girl, an mtf (short for male-to-female), a transsexual (no, I'm not getting real breasts or losing my pecker!), or what?

I think overall I prefer T*girl (and sometimes T*Goth!), but as the community cannot decide on what all those terms mean, it’s still an open question.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

What do you want?

(WARNING: This may sound like a whiny emo-kid ramble!)

A friend asked me and my social circle “What do you want to do before your next landmark birthday?” We went away and had a think about it. I think it’s the hardest question I’ve ever been asked.

I had one of those chats that go on till four in the morning with a close friend, and we discussed this. Hers were quite easy for her, including visiting a foreign country, joining the mile high club, and going to a music festival. Mine were much more difficult. Although I haven’t led an amazingly exciting life, most of her list I’ve already done (gone abroad), or wasn’t interested in (I’ve been inside an aeroplane toilet, so see no attraction to having sex there!)

Also, my interests have changed over the last few years. Asking me the same question five years ago would have brought out things like “Visit Japan”, something I’m not that fussed about now, as l only wanted to go for very shallow reasons that no longer apply. I’d have also included go out ‘dressed’ (done several times since), or held a snake (did a few weeks ago.).

There are a few things I want to do that really aren’t such a god idea in practice. For example I want a corset. But although this is great in theory, in practice I’ve got nowhere to wear it, I wouldn’t wear it enough to justify the expense, I don’t have the room, and I’ve no-one to lace it up. Several other require money I’m not willing to spend , or require a level of trust I’m not willing to make with the people I currently know (eg bondage play)

I think I have found maybe five.

  1. Find a job I don’t hate (we all had this one first!)

  2. Find someone I love, that loves me (vague I know)

  3. Go to an Ann Summers Party (tricky with the no-guys rule, but we might be able to work something)

  4. Have a food fight (location is tricky, but I’m sure I’m not the only one)

  5. Regain my local fame (I used to be a big fish in a small pond, and getting that back would be enough)


But other than that, I don’t know.

There’s no where I want to go particularly and there are no specific sexual practices that I want to do enough to include (or share with my friends!).

I wish I wasn’t so aimless.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

A Familiar Outing

*Jeff gets home from a night at Transmission to find his wife Sarah still up*
Sarah: Honey, we have to talk.
Jeff: Look its not...
Sarah: Honey.
*She gestures to the sofa. They both sit*
Sarah: You know we talked about shaving your legs...
Jeff: But it makes my legs look better, and the stockings don't snag...
Sarah: I know, we've talked about this. But is that the only reason you shave them?
Jeff: What do you mean?
Sarah: Well I was tidying up in the bedroom,
*Jeff begins to sweat*
Sarah: and I found a drop of oil on your trainers.
Jeff: So? That could have come from anywhere.
Sarah: And I found a pair of cycling shorts in the back of your wardrobe.
*Jeff breaks down in tears*
Jeff: Oh baby it's true! I'm a cyclist! I tried to fight it...
Sarah: Its OK...
Jeff: I just cant help it. I need to cycle. I tried purging, but you cant really fight it.
Sarah: We can get help. There are organisations. I've read aout this on the internet.
etc...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bauer is God!

I've just been watching series four of 24. When will everyone learn that Bauer is always right? If they just asked Jack, everything would turn out fine.

Jack Bauer for president!

Or set him the problem of solving Lost, or the Middle East!

Bauer is God!

I've just been watching series four of 24. When will everyone learn that Bauer is always right? If they just asked Jack, everything would turn out fine.

Jack Bauer for president!

Or set him the problem of solving Lost, or the Middle East!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Anyone want a slave?

I've received two emails from potential slaves identically worded. I'm not interested, because I think its an email scam, but if ayone wants a slave try : esclavomuysumiso@hotmail.com.

The emails were apparently sent to anabeljohnstone@hotmail.com and Ann_onomiss@yahoo.com, although they came into my inbox. Bizarre!

The email reads (speling, punctuation and layout are as received):

Hello Ma'am
i am a slave , 30 years old. looking to serve a Mistress online, i
like bondage, humiliations, sotf to medium punishments, fetish,
spanking, worship, slavery, forced feeding, etc

i offer to be your online slave, receiving requests and task by
email , i will obwy the tasks and punishments sessions , i will take
pictures with a digital camera and send you the pics for your fun
and
amusement seeing me suffering and humilated for your own pleasure.

my toys list: shoe's laces, gag-ball, o-ring gag, nipples clams ,
weights for clamps, letaher gloves, full hood open eyes and mouth or
blind hood, spanking rulers, spoons etc

if you are interested in accept this worm as your online slave
please
reply my message Ma'am

respectfully , on my knees , kiss your boots


If that butters your muffin, have fun

Saturday, July 08, 2006

All good things...

Well that was fast!

I'm single again! It was messy at frst but we're friends again. It wouldn't have worked out, but that doesn't stop me missing it.

We make better mischevious partners-in-crime than lovers anyway, so its all good.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Happy

Why am I happy?

There’s a young lady in my life who has just become a bit more than a friend.

Who is she?

I don’t want to jinx it, so no more details for now!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Cause and effect

At work we do a job that is subdivided into sections. Amazingly someone has only just realised that if you split the sections between different teams you can save on training. Both time and money.

Well technically it used to done that way. But some bright spark realised that if you train the staff to do the job start to finish, they can take ownership… blah blah blah. You know how organisations like to shake things about for no reason just to put something on the boss’s CV.

Anyhoo… Currently the first bit of the process (the easy bit) is being done by the newbies. Unfortunately they don’t seem to be up to the job. This means those of us doing the second section don’t have enough work, but still have to meet our trgets.

Common sense suggests taking a few of us and putting us on the newbies teams to either help out (most problems are not incredibly complex and can be solved by someone with a bit of familiarity with the system), or even to do some of the work ourselves to boost productivity.

I actually volunteered to help out without a bonus. (OK so there were the twin ulterior motives of getting away from our fascist overlord, and getting some easy work or a bit).

But no. The geniuses in charge decided to send the super-experienced veterans to help the newbies with their problems. And so to solve our problem of no work, they’ve given us the shitty work from another centre (which would be better cleared by those super-experienced veterans as we haven’t a clue what to do!)

Cue more people leaving and lower morale…

Friday, June 02, 2006

Sugar Rush

Just been watching Channel 4’s Sugar Rush, apparently its based on a book by Julie Birchill, but I’ve just been watching it.

It’s so sweet, well bittersweet really. The main character Kim is just so sweet. She’s a really sympathetic figure (except for causing the accidental death of a dog). Anyone who has loved someone they can’t have will empathise, not just lesbians.

Last nights episode, where Kim confessed all, was really touching. Unfortunately Channel 4 spoiled the end of the current series (admittedly repeats), by running a trailer for the new series coming this month.

I won’t spoil it for anyone watching along, but just the location of the trailer gave away what will ultimately happen between Kim and Sugar. Bah!

I’ll still keep watching, I’m just a bit put out that’s all.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

So it turns out that the girl I was really interested in, actually did like me, but was keeping a distance because she thought I was just a flirt, and a mutual friend had told her to back off!

Bloody interfering "friends"! Now she's 200 miles away, and seeing someone else.

Damn my "friend" and damn me for being so shy the girl didn't notice.

We kissed on our second meeting and I wished I'd pounced then. Dammit all to hell!

As she'll read this I'll just say "If it doesn't work out with your new boy, you know where I am. If I'm coming to visit you, I have no reponsibility to our mutual friend, and we can see how things go properly."

Isn't love complex?

Saturday, May 27, 2006

With apologies to Dona Summer

Well I seem her every morning in the schoolyard
when the schoolbell rings
and when she passes in the hallway
well she doesn't seem to notice me
She's got a crush on my best friend
but he don't care, 'cause he loves someone else
I'm standing on the outside, not the inside where I wanna be

Love's unkind, love's unkind
love's unkind, love's unkind
'cause she's not mine

Just the other day I was praying that she'd give me a chance
hoping she would choose me for her partner
for the high school dance
I was standing outside the class
but it wasn't me, but my best friend, she asked
I went running back inside teary-eyed
and left the two of them behind

Love's unkind, love's unkind
love's unkind, love's unkind
'cause he's not mine

Spoken:
Oh, how I love her, but I can't even let her know
'cause she loves my best friend
but he don't care, he loves someone else
and I asked my mama, and she said: love's unkind
love's so unkind
She said: just keep it alive
'cause you may find love's unkind


Love's unkind, love's unkind
love's unkind, love's unkind

Spoken:
Oh, Why did I have to love her so
why did I have to love her so

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Welcome to Hell


As if our office wasn't already as much like a circle of hell, we've had our air-con break. Naturally when we called them they suggested opening windows in the mean time.

Unfortunately some brain-donor architect decided to make a building where the windows cannot be opened so as not to break the air-con.

Fantastic! Now we are stuck in a greenhouse, and because the building is East/West facing we have permanent sunlight. And because some idiot set up the desks wrong we have to have the blinds shut or we can't see our screens.

Which means the light is insufficient to see with, so the lights come on.

So to summarise:
Permanent sunlight through huge glass windows.
Insulating blinds.
Fluorescent lights.
Hundreds of computers and printers.
And a broken air-con

Mix this with a computer system that doesn't work, and excessive bureaucracy, and you have Hell!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Night Terrors

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. As I was standing there I went dizzy and collapsed. When I was "with it" again, I was on the floor with one arm in the toilet (eeew! but hardly my main concern).

When I'd calmed down a bit I called my mum's boyfriend (the only reliable driver I could think of) and they both ran me up to Accident and Emergency.

After what seems like hours, I got a blood pressure and blood sugar test a once over with the stethoscope, and the thing where they shine lights in your eyes, and get you to follow their finger with your eyes.

Turns out it was just that I wasn't getting enough blood to the brain - kind of an extreme form of when you stand up too quickly and feel dizzy - but with the bruises being on my ribs and near vital organs, and the panic of being alone and worried, it just made it worse.

I'm good now, but I'm going to get as much mileage as I can from showing off the bruises!

"Can everyone stop getting shot?"

Yesterday we went paint-balling. I'm glad I did it, but I don't have any plans to go again.
Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn't hurt - I have four fantastic bruises on my chest, and a great big welt on my left arm!

It was fun though. Tension, panic, hearing the balls ricochet off your cover, it’s all good.
My crowning moment was defending the red base from five blue guys after my mate's gun jammed. I took three down before I got clipped (by a coward firing blind round a corner!). Unfortunately, when the marshal confirmed I was eliminated, I stood up with my arm in the air to show I was out. I then got hit by four shots, prompting me to yell "I'M DEAD! STOP SHOOTING ME!"

We were supposed to be going out in the city afterwards, but to be honest I was shattered, so I went home to get a good nights sleep...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Two horse race

I've just come back from the polling station, and I'm disgusted that I had to spoil my ballot paper.

We only had two candidates, Conservative and Labour.

I dont want either. If it was a true democracy, not only would I be able to state my displeasure, but I'd also be able to nominate who I'd like to see on the council.

Remove the standing fee, and then lets see who'll win - Tony's Cronies, the Right Wing Fogeys, or Fred who drives the minibus for the local daycare centre?

I'll always vote for the underdog, even the Liberal Party. Lets give somebody else a chance to screw it up for a change.

EXCEPT the jizm monkeys at the BNP. They can go hang.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I can't feel my face!

I've just had two fillings (ouch!) and thanks to the anaesthetic I can't feel the left side of my face.
The numbness goes from my top lip to the corner of my eye, which also means when I blink I get a twinge.

I also cant have any hot food till the numbness wears off, and no hard food for 24 hours. I'm going to have to let my cereals go soggy tommorrow morning!

And I can't smile properly.

At least I can talk...

Hello nurse!

Fear me - I now have a baby-pink leatherette nurses dress and hat!
I'll need to shave my cleavage, as its a bit low cut, but it looks fantastic. And all for the bargain price of five English pounds. Hooray for end-of-line shops!

I'll have to get a pair latex gloves and practice some "Carry-On" type phrases...

Now which patient wanted the "hot beef injection"?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Future plans

Off to Leeds in a few weeks time. More Wendyhouse, but less crossdressing. Might be a bit of cosplay though. I should fit in with all the EGL/EGA crowd if I turn up as Tuxedo Mask.

[practices throwing roses]

Movie Mania

We love ASDA! Ater food shopping I looked at the DVD aisle, and came away with Final Fantasy VII:Advent Children, and Night Watch, both in double-disc editions for under £15 each. Yay!

edit: One of the characters in Advent Children has the FF7 "won battle" theme as a ringtone!